Marathon Man (Maxim.com excerpt, Feb 2000)

Put a little of this stuff in the place where it matters. Then tell her some offhanded bull about how you learned the secret art of lasting all night long from Sting’s wife.

Don’t punish yourself with damaging visualizations of Janet Reno to last longer in bed. In America we have drugs. We’re talking desensitizers: those magical sprays and creams that claim to turn a minute man into a marathoner. Always up for easy ways to look good in bed, we had a couple road-test some formulas. We handed them the elixirs and a stopwatch and told ’em to go at it like epileptic poodles (“Anything for science,” said the guy) and report back in a week. Using nothing the first time, our man took an embarrassingly speedy 59 seconds to fire his weapon. Here’s how he did with the help of America’s top scientific minds:

Stud 100 Desensitizing Spray for Men
Secret ingredient: Lidocaine, also used in nasal sprays
Directions: Mist your fern with a few sprays. Wait no more than 10 minutes, then jump in. Wash off after or…crap, it doesn’t say what happens!
Sensation: “After waiting five minutes,” said our tester, “I got a warm, tingly feeling.” Inspired, he got to it, but the harder he revved his engines, “the number Mr. Happy got.” After 12 minutes, “a trickle of feeling came back,” he said. Five more minutes turned the tide.
Shot fired in: 17 min., 31 sec.

Indian God Lotion
Secret ingredient: Isopropyl alcohol. Conveniently, it’s also a substance used in wart removers.
Directions: Spray the soldier’s helmet, wait a half-hour, then rinse and deploy.
Sensation: Cold, numbing tingles set in minutes after application. “It felt like I had visited a dick dentist,” the guy complained. “And in the sack I felt like a pick swinger in a coal mine.”
Shot fired in: Didn’t happen. After 30 minutes of continuous motion, he rolled over and fell asleep. “But for once I had an excuse,” he reported happily.